Returning

I recently went on a trip overseas where I was gone eight days.  Packing for the trip was exciting.  Traveling on the airplane was exciting.  The trip itself was exciting.  Then day eight approached.  I was ready to be home.  In fact, I was now excited about that.  What I was NOT excited about was the process of packing and traveling to return home.  While I had enjoyed these steps when I was ready to embark on my adventure abroad, I wasn’t so thrilled to repeat them to get home.  And yet, I wanted to be home. 

When we are away and wish to return somewhere, we often must take the initiative to do the things to get us where we want to be.  Ironically, some of these steps are the very things that brought excitement at one point in the journey and now seem challenging, like packing the luggage and flying on the plane.  We want to get from Point A to Point B without doing the necessary preparations or actions along the way.  But if the goal is to get to our destination, we need to keep this site in focus.  Home.

This is where I am at in my life.  Some might view the past years of my life as a stage of wandering or struggling.  I would have included myself in this camp of thinking at one time.  However, I now try to view this stage as a needed journey of exploration.  Some parts I will leave right where they are: in the past.  On the other hand, I also can see that I simply reached a crossroad where I decided I wished to return to the core of Kiley.  This summer I went on the overseas pilgrimage as a symbolic act of taking the next step at the fork in the road.  That is where I metaphorically started packing my bags and boarding the airplane to return home to Kiley.  To the fuller, more authentic version of myself.  I hope you will join me on your journey of returning to your own version of home.

Changepoints:

Evaluate where you wish to return to and think about the following:

·        Have I arrived at the place where I want to be with myself?  If so, what did I do to get here so that I can remind myself if I ever start to wander?  If not, where would I like to be?

·        What is the symbolic “baggage” that I need to remove from my luggage to lighten my load?  What should I include so I can arrive safely at my destination?

·        What will the process of “traveling” look like to get me where I intend to be?  Will it take me home?

o   What are the rewards of returning?

o   What are the anticipated joys of entering into the pilgrimage?

Welcome to your adventure of returning. 

 outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.

Rubber Cement

The last handful of years have been difficult for a variety of reasons.  As I reflect back on the journey, I have come to understand more about how I dealt with the circumstances thrust upon me and those I created by my own series of choices.  Rubber cement is a good way of describing this timeframe.  Remember rubber cement from time spent in elementary school?  Opening up the metal canister would fill the room with a noxious smell not easy to clear from the sinuses!  Then, we would begin gluing the soon-to-be masterpieces in front of us.  The glue would inevitably stick to our hands and make a goopy mess.  But, the magic of rubber cement is that when it dries you can rub your fingers and the glue becomes a rubber-like ball which easily falls off the hands.  And, the smell disappears.  Incredible stuff, rubber cement is.

Rubber cement works two ways.  If the glue is placed on just one surface, it creates a flexible, nonpermanent bond that can be repositioned later.  However, if the glue is placed on both surfaces and then allowed to dry first, it becomes a permanent bond when placed together.  It’s a pretty magical process if you can tolerate the initial stink and messiness.  Isn’t that life as well?  Sometimes you have to tolerate the smell and stickiness before the masterpiece unfolds.  You also have to decide how you are going to approach the glue.  Is a permanent bond needed or is something flexible needed?

For the longest time, I kept trying to make the wrong types of bonds work without understanding the true nature of the glue.  It’s only successful when both sides are involved in the right way.  My controlling nature continually tried to work against the chemistry of rubber cement.  For instance, I exhausted myself trying a flexible approach when that wasn’t in the best interest of the project.  Conversely, I also exhausted myself forcing permanency when this was destroying the artwork that was intended to unfold.  Eventually, I became afraid to open the rubber cement canister, because I wasn’t confident I could handle the smell or the mess.  As a result, I wasn’t mindful of how to approach what was in front of me.  Instead, I attempted to glue things together in a haphazard way.  Admittedly, I made a disaster of my world.

Then, I took a deep breath and realized the stench wouldn’t last forever if I decided to finally use the glue the right way.  I started studying the projects in front of me and began using the rubber cement more productively.  My children, my work, my doctoral studies, and meaningful relationships became my purpose to thrive.  Something wonderful resulted: the masterpieces already in my reach became my joy.  True joy.  I let the glue work the way it was supposed to based on the need.  Any glue that stuck to my hand wasn’t going to stay there forever.  If I let it dry, I could now rub it off.  The smell disappeared, and something beautiful revealed itself.

Changepoints:

As you begin to open your “rubber cement” canister to create a new work of art, ponder this:

·       How will I allow myself to cope with the smell and mess of gluing my life together while I tackle what is ahead?
·       Am I approaching what needs to be glued in my life with the best perspective?  
·       What will I look for to decide if what I am facing needs a permanent or flexible tactic?
·       How will I know when the glue has dried enough to touch the masterpiece in front of me? 

·       Am I willing to remove the unneeded glue from my fingers that doesn’t serve in my best interest or the finished project? 

Embrace the process of allowing rubber cement in your life.  Glue it, rub your fingers to rid the extra glue when you are done, breathe in the clean air, and soak in the beauty.

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating empowered awareness as a changepoint for desired outcomes.

Diabetes and the Dance

I recently met a beautiful young lady who is a committed runner and fitness enthusiast who also deals with the repercussions of Type I Diabetes.  As a young child, her world was changed by this life-long disease.  When I asked her about her journey with diabetes and running, she taught me an important lesson on coping.  She told me that when she first wakes up, her body is not yet vulnerable to the full scope of the effects of diabetes.  Therefore, she runs immediately upon waking so that she essentially circumvents her body and sways it into functioning in a way that allows her to run.  Isn’t that amazing?!  She has learned the power of modification and adaptation to cope with the discord her body would otherwise feel if she ran at a different time of day.  What if we became more like this runner and we didn’t avoid the discord but learned to dance with it and learned its steps?  This woman found a way to acknowledge the disease but not become defeated as its prisoner.  She dances with it.  She knows the moves and steps of diabetes and chooses to work with it and not against it.  She is creative, because she gets up early and immediately goes from the bed to the road.  She is resourceful, because she makes sure she brings glucose-based snacks like dried fruit while she is running to ensure she has safeguards if her body does give her problems.  She is realistic, because she goes as far as her body allows and then stops when it communicates with her that she is pushing too hard.  She has learned the dance.  Dancing with your discord is a far better coping method than fighting against personal struggle. 

Have you taken the time to think about what your “diabetes” is?  If you have an overwhelmed schedule, you might consider taking measures to incorporate more deliberate yes’s and no’s into your routine.  If you have children who are not behaving in a positive manner, you might think about parenting skills techniques.  If you have an eating disorder, you might ponder the triggers that set the behaviors into motion.  If you have a fractured relationship with a friend or spouse, you might explore counseling, mediation, or other communication measures.  If you have a heart condition, you might search for medical interventions and ways to reduce stress.  If you have an emotional or mood disorder, you might want to find a psychologist or books on coping mechanisms.  The list of possible “diabetes” or discords is endless, because they are unique to you.  Take the time to figure out potential impediments that could bar you from being the fullest version of yourself.  But, don’t stop there.  Study it to determine the dance that fits.

If you watch a person dance with their partner, they fundamentally must understand the nuisances of the person and anticipate their next moves.  A well-orchestrated dance prevents tripping and falling.  Isn’t that such a fine metaphor for fluidly working with whatever issues come our way?!  When we positively approach perceived difficulties with the grace of a dancer, we can work the dance floor by covering the stage with refined anticipation.  So, dance baby dance!   

Changepoints:

As you evaluate the personal “diabetes” in your own life (whatever they may be), consider these thoughts:

·       Do I truly understand the nature of my discord so that I can get to know it as a potential partner?

·       Have I considered tactics to anticipate the discord that might occur in my life?

·       How will I practice my dance steps to ensure a well-prepared routine?

·       Will I be creative, resourceful and realistic about the issues that might be presented to me?

·       How will I be prepared for the effects that will likely come my way because of my discord?

·       Have I done a risk/reward analysis of not coming to terms with my individual discord?

Dance with your discord using your own personal routine and style.  The dance stage welcomes everything from the waltz to the salsa.  Just dance!

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results

Safe Place

Have you ever noticed that pets tend to have places they prefer to go to when they are scared?  When there is thunder, many dogs will find a refuge to protect themselves.  Some small pets like to burrow in their bedding, while cats often routinely find the same spot to rest themselves.  It is within our protective instincts to find safety when a threat presents itself.

My dog, Shiloh, is my girl and I am her person.  We clicked the moment we became a pair, and she knows I will protect her.  As such, she rarely leaves my side…it’s almost comical.  I think she knows I love her unconditionally (crazy, I know, for those who aren’t dog people!)  And strangely enough I know she loves me the same.  When you study the behaviors of dogs, they will give signals about whether or not they trust someone: their tails, facial expressions, their type of barking, and even their fur.  Dogs strongly understand who and what they consider to be their safe place and they make no apologies for their feelings.

Shouldn’t humans be afforded the same right?  We all need safe places, but we often dismiss our internal instincts that tell ourselves if someone or something is safe or not.  Some people are overly trusting and don’t have discernment to maintain healthy boundaries.  Other people – like myself – tend to avoid attachments for fear of getting hurt and then struggle to confide in many people.  As counterintuitive as it may sound, I believe people need to become more primitive and instinctive with their protective measures.  Enlarge the space if you need to trust more, and tighten the space if you need closer boundaries.  Don’t be afraid to listen to your internal compass that is trying to teach you about your authentic safety checks.  Develop safety systems that are not what the world dictates, but rather where you should peacefully reside as your own person.

Next time you are on a stroll, look at the natural environment around you and take note of how pets and even wild animals interact with their surroundings.  There are many messages we can learn from the four-legged creatures that are part of our world.  They inherently seem to know when to trust and when to protect; when to relax and when to be guarded; when to be energized and when to chill.  Let's apply their safety rules to our own rule-making.

Changepoints:

Evaluate your safety points by considering the following:

·        How do I react when I feel backed into a corner?  Do I retreat or react?  Are my responses balanced or extreme?

·        Do I have methods to deal with stressful, traumatic or trying experiences?  Is this found in a person, a coping strategy, or a physical outlet?

·        Are there people whom I should include within my circle of safety or people whom I should edit out?

·        Do I believe in myself enough to care about my needs over what I believe the perceptions of others may be?

·        If I am afraid to trust or afraid to edit back, what tactics will I use to start encouraging myself to create healthy safety structures?

o   What hurdles exist for listening to my instincts?

o   What actions can I take to start authentically finding safety?

Find refuge. 

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.

Raw

There is a new trend to push for products to be unaltered and raw.  We want our food to be unprocessed with no additives.  We want our clothing to be void of synthetic dyes.  We want our water bottles to be free of BPA and our cosmetics to have no harsh chemicals.  We are beginning to see the value of that which was intended to be raw.  If you doubt this, look at the boom in organic products, farmer's markets, and craft fairs.  Do we hold the same opinion about emotions, perspectives and values, however?  Do we want to express these in a raw fashion, and do we appreciate when people provide these to us in that manner?  If we are advocating for a whole, raw, and organic universe, should it perhaps begin from the inside out?

As a recovering perfectionist, getting me to expose my raw core was very rare.  Painting a picture of “having it all together all the time for everyone I encountered” was my mantra.  I still struggle with this, because it is my protective instinct to lead people to believe that I have my life in order.  Recently, however, I was presented with the daunting challenge of deciding to unveil some rawness to my family.  However, this kind of raw was like ripping off a stale bandaid on an infected wound.  I was scared to pull off the bandage for fear of what was hiding underneath and what my family would think of my raw wound.

To my amazement, my family didn’t shake salt on the open sore.  Instead, they provided me with healing ointment of acceptance, forgiveness, compassion and love.  Once they saw the wound, they understood me better and loved me all the same.  Perhaps they loved me even more.  A wound can’t heal if it festers unattended under an infected bandage.  True wounds that are raw need cleansing, fresh air, and a tender touch.  I am grateful for the people in my world who have decided that who I am in my rawest state is worth the investment.

There is a cost with the investment in raw.  You can’t buy organic fruit for the same cost as traditional fruit.  But, if you value getting your produce in its raw state, you are willing to make the investment.  The same can be said for human emotion.  Just like the getting a strawberry to be grown in organic conditions may initially take more upfront work, the resulting harvest can be magnificent.  People invest in that labor of love.  When we decide to be raw with who we are in the context of our emotions, perspectives, and values, there is a lot of effort that comes with this.  But, the harvest can be plentiful and rewarding.  People invest in that labor of love.  Raw is real and real is where it is at.

Changepoints:

We may be protecting ourselves from being raw if:

·         We are afraid of being judged by our authentic feelings and perspectives.

·         We avoid topics that we believe may make us vulnerable to others.

·         We use other emotions – such as humor, avoidance, or anger – to deflect from how we truly feel.

·         We doubt that the people in our lives will accept us right where we are, so we shy away from transparency.

If you are seeking to become raw:

o   Find an individual who you can discuss your desire to be authentic, and then gauge their reaction.  If they appear amenable, start with a small area to evaluate their ability to meet you on the journey.

o   Journal your experiences that cause you to feel vulnerable.  Explore how you feel about those experiences and why you might have associated emotions with those experiences.

o   Ask someone who you love to share with you.  Being on the receiving end of allowing someone to be raw can create deeper and greater compassion for the process.

Plant yourself in the raw movement – the harvest that results is worthwhile.

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results

Themes

When they tell us not to judge a book by its cover, they are essentially asking us to look inside and figure out the storyline.  What is the theme?  We all carry themes with us that shape the way we look at the universe.  Some themes are positive and others aren’t so positive.  I recently went back to school and have begun studying perceptions and how they shape decision-making.  I have wrestled and grappled with this concept for a long time, but wasn’t able to put a finger on exactly what my life-theme was that was causing me pain.  I know my strengths and my weaknesses, but getting to the heart of your “life-themes” is much more difficult because it requires real reflection and processing.

In a dark moment this summer, my negative theme came to me: Not enough.  You don’t believe you are enough.  You don’t believe you are enough to be heard, to be seen, and to be loved.  I think why I had avoided the recognition of this theme is because I finally realized I identified it with my dad.  I have spent most of my life (20+ years) protecting my dad’s legacy.  In the darkness of that moment this summer, I realized that if my dad took his life I must surely not have been enough for him to stay.  I know this isn’t logical thinking if you knew my dad, but my 14-year-old self believed this at some level and the theme was carrying with me today.  So, my adult self tried to talk to my adolescent self and tell her she was okay.  And, fortunately that dark moment passed. 

Thankfully, I don’t live in many of those deep, dark moments…but I do carry that “not enough” theme with me in my day-to-day life.  I ran a race this weekend that I knew in my gut I shouldn’t have ran.  And, now I’m significantly injured.  I push myself all the time, and often to the betterment of the world around me.  I try to work hard and crusade for social causes.  I try to be a loyal friend and serve those in need.  These are all great things, but what happens when the internal compass is silenced because I am trying to measure myself on the external?  I will never be enough if that is my measuring stick.  And the cycle of creating and recreating that life theme only continues.

My best friend recently asked me if I was “Living loved or living to be loved?”  Profound.  She is encouraging me to shape the ending of my book by changing the theme.  I can’t rewrite past chapters, but I can look at them differently.  I can grow from those chapters and decide my own truth, my own theme. 

Changepoints:

Assess your life-themes by reflecting on the following questions:

·        What do my behaviors tell me about my thoughts?

·        When do I feel most authentic (positive life-themes) and when do I feel internal tension (disconnected life-themes, which can be positive or negative) and when do I feel angst (negative life-themes)?
·        Do the people I surround myself with confirm my positive or negative life-themes?
·        Are my thoughts driven by my own internal compass or the expectations of others?
·        Am I willing to embrace my positive life-themes and reframe any negative life-themes I may have?
·        Who is going to tell my story and write my ending?

o   What steps can I take to hold myself accountable to both identifying my life-themes and putting those I wish to embrace into action?

o   What parts of my life will be wonderfully lived if I genuinely accept the life-themes I chose to hold?

Enough.  The new ending for my book I am trying to write.

 

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.

Flawed

Someone very influential in my life recently described themselves as being flawed.  I have never considered this person to be flawed, because I feel they are so incredible.  The concept of being flawed has resonated with me since I heard the person use it to describe a personality attribute.  When I looked up the word, I discovered that it means, “a feature that mars the perfection of something.”  After reading this definition, I decided that I would absolutely prefer to spend my time around flawed individuals than perfect ones.  Have you ever listened to a captivating musician or viewed the works of a wonderful artist and realized that their talent resides in embracing the imperfections?  I like a little bit of mess in my world.  It’s more interesting.  It’s more palatable.  It’s more inspiring.

Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I am peppered with imperfections.  I’m often impatient.  My responses often outweigh the circumstances at hand.  I can have an assertive tongue.  My expectations of others can be out of line.  I often move in hyper-speed.  Flawed, I am.  I have spent years inwardly apologizing away my personality as being less than acceptable, because it isn’t the picture of perfection.  Recently, I have been challenged (by the same person who said they were flawed) to consider a lens of love when looking at the world.  The flaws in the universe make it pretty remarkable.  Many “mistakes” have led to amazing discoveries.  Did you know that the creation of the chocolate chip cookie came as the result of a flaw?  Ruth Wakefield – owner of the Toll House Inn – had to adapt a recipe and broke up pieces of sweetened chocolate to replace baker’s chocolate.  She thought the chocolate “chips” would melt together, but instead the future of the chocolate chip cookie was created.  I, for one, would love to hug Ruth for embracing a perceived flaw and creating one of my favorite desserts.

Creativity is where flaws are often beautified.  Modigliani is one of my favorite artists (check out his works if you haven’t done so before).  I love his works of women, because he had a fascinating ability to distort the images into something wonderful.  A perfect portrait wasn’t his aim.  He sought to show the world a different way of looking at the human body.  And, in the fashion industry, you might notice that articles of clothing now have tags on them that let people know that they may find intentional flaws in the fabric.  It’s purposeful, because who wants to always be surrounded with perfection?

I am so grateful that I was introduced to the concept of flaws recently.  More importantly, I am happy that I was challenged to embrace self-flaws and other-flaws with a spirit of love and humility.  After all, we are all works of art that are still being masterfully and interestingly created.  And, I shall happily ponder this concept while eating a chocolate chip cookie.

Changepoints:

Encourage yourself to embrace your “flaws” by asking:

·        Am I too harsh on myself or others?  What areas that I perceive to be flawed could actually lead to something special?

·        Do I surround myself with people who encourage self-discovery, even if it means I might fall or make mistakes?

·        Are there areas in my life or activities I don’t explore because I am afraid of not being perfect or needing to instantly be the best?

·       What messages do I send myself about striving for perfection?  Are they rooted in a necessary reality or am I being overly critical?

·        Are there activities or interests I might consider if I weren’t concerned about failing or the critical opinions of others?

o   What is preventing me from swinging for the fences?

o   What actions can I take to assess my threshold for flawed living?

Be courageously, wonderfully and beautifully flawed!

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.