Armageddon Pantry

Apocalypse.  Armageddon.  Domesday.  Call it what you will.  When we say these words, images of disasters come to mind.  And most of us prefer to be prepared for any looming destruction coming our way.  I actually don’t spend a great deal of thought about end-times, so I chuckled when a family member called my basement storage room an “Armageddon Pantry.”  However, I could see how someone might get that notion given the copious amounts of food staples I keep in my basement.

But the “Armageddon Pantry” isn’t intended for disaster.  The opposite is true, in fact.  The pantry is a supply room to enhance the lives of my kids, so when they have hungry bellies, sleepovers with large crowds, or after-school teenage hangouts, there are plenty of options to which they can readily choose from.  In fact, the neighborhood and friends all know that we are the place to go for snacks, baking goods, and whatever else they can put to imagination for the kitchen.

Instead of preparing us for disaster, this pantry serves to prime us for hosting privileges without creating an overt amount of stress.  It’s one way I have deliberately tried to buoy opportunities for my home to be a place of warmth and welcome for my kids.  This stands in stark contrast to the notion of the disaster mindset tied to Armageddon.   

Just like many facets in our lives, perspective is crucial for understanding.  How we assess our environment is largely based on our lived experience, history, and approach.  As such, confusion can occur when we determine something to be truth based on an isolated lens.  It’s helpful to have conversation surrounding our understanding so we can create dialogue about intent and insight.  I’m glad to hear my family member discuss this pantry, because it was done from a teasing heart.  And furthermore, it provided the platform for me to discuss the real reasons for the development of this food storage.  Not to mention that it allowed me to invite him to swipe goodies from the snack bin anytime he’d like, to which he readily agreed.

Changepoints:

Ponder elements in your life where context would help for someone on the outside to better understand your thinking or decision-making:

·      What ways can you proactively inform people of your intent?

·      How might you deal with confusion that is created when someone tries to interpret your life without having the full spectrum?

·      In what ways have you possibly misunderstood the world of others?

·      How can you best enhance communication whereby increasing the likelihood that people are speaking and listening with the spirit of understanding?

o   What does this open perspective do to help diffuse defensiveness?

o   How would you personally benefit from listening to others with the intent of seeking to understand? 

However you decide to label my enormous basement pantry, know that you are invited to partake whether it be a disaster or a party.  There’s enough food for everyone!

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.

Titles

Upon receiving my doctorate, people would frequently ask me if I would use “Dr. Fleming” as my title.  My immediate response was, and still is, “no.”  I learned quickly that this follow-up question would be asked: “Why?”  I typically explain that I pursued education for my own sake, and I don’t want the title to be something isolating me from others.  This decision came after my younger brother received his doctoral degree, and he told me that some people don’t like doctoral titles because it sends the message that the individual has arrived, and none of us truly arrive if we are self-aware enough to admit it.  We are all on a lifelong journey.  Upon hearing this, I whole-heartedly agreed and decided to employ the philosophy in my life. 

This isn’t to say that the use of titles is wrong.  At times, I find that my title is necessary in certain professional and academic settings as a way of designating my capacity in that role.  Nonetheless, I currently don’t have any diplomas hanging on my walls nor do I use my titles unless it is prudent to do so.  Official titles can give an air of superiority, separate the individual from others, and serve to hide other facets of our identity.  However, we all use titles: mom, friend, faith-based, athlete, sister, volunteer, daughter, business-owner, and manager are few that could be used for me.  If I am completely honest with myself, I have likely used these titles to my benefit.  For example, I have used my birth-order and role as sister to teach on interpersonal communication during workshops.  This is a harmless benefit of this title.  However, what about the times I might use my title as a mom to dodge other commitments?  This isn’t outright dishonest, but it might be a strategy for avoiding hurt feelings instead of just declining the invitation.

The key is to identify the titles we voluntarily give ourselves, the ones we are born into, and those that are penned to us without our explicit permission (e.g. the title given to me as a youngster was that I was challenging and strong-willed.  This may be accurate, but is it accurate because that is who I was from birth or was I nurtured into this role by repeatedly being exposed to the theme?)

Once we identify the various titles in our lives, we can then decide what they mean for ourselves personally.  The role of “mother” certainly isn’t unanimously exemplified throughout the world.  Really, the only singular commonality is the physical birth of a child.  From there, the definition starts to depart.  In Iowa - where I am from - “farmer” is another title that can hold a myriad of meanings from crop to livestock ownership or management. 

Titles can be used for a variety of purposes or ways of categorization, so whether it has a positive or negative impact on an individual largely rests on their internalization of it.  How the person uses the title also reveals their values tied to it.  Case in point, my decision not to highlight my doctoral title is something I hold within myself as a compass for how I wish to operate at work.  The struggle comes if we hide behind a title for less than admirable reasons, if we are ashamed of a title, or if we don’t know why we associate with one.

One title I am unwavering about is “Advocate.”  I hope eternally this is part of my legacy, because it is part of my journey in helping others link to their own beautiful, unique titles.

Changepoints:

Mentally scroll through the various titles you have assumed through your life, and pick one to reflect upon:

·      What have you liked or disliked surrounding this title?

·      How have you dismissed or hidden behind certain titles to avoid personal accountability?

·      In what ways have you possibly misunderstood the titles others use?

·      How can you foster new titles in your life so you continue to grow and develop?

o   Are there specific areas you would like to pursue and why?

o   How would you personally benefit from fully identifying, understanding, and aligning with the various titles in your life?

 

Dr. Fleming is an educational threshold I achieved, and it certainly is a part of my identity.  However, I’d much rather have the artwork of my kids hanging in my office than a framed certificate any day of the week.

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.

Typos

My phone loves to autocorrect the word “people” to “orioles.”  I’m not sure why my beloved device thinks that humans and a particular bird species are the same thing, but nevertheless, I often inadvertently send comical texts to friends when I’m in a hurry and don’t proofread.  Somehow texting, “Some orioles drive me crazy” doesn’t drive home the same message as, “Some people drive me crazy.”  And, yes, that is something I’ve texted my friends, because, yes, some people DO drive me crazy.  Orioles might drive me crazy, too, but I can’t say I have those flying around my town.

The first obvious takeaway is that I should proofread my writings.  Guilty as charged when it comes to my texting skills.  However, the less apparent lesson is the gift of understanding readers give me when studying my ill-written texts.  They try to make sense of my message using context, and then give me grace based on understanding my intent.  I think most people who are tec-savvy would say they do the same when an incoherent text comes their way.

I wonder how much better our communication would be if we apply the same principals in other interactions with people.  Instead of jumping to conclusions, if we took a step back and tried to understand the context of their message and assume good intent, perhaps fewer conflicts, hurt feelings, or misunderstandings would occur.  We know that in the world of texting, people are in a hurry and autocorrect goes into hyperdrive.  Applying the same mindset, when we are busy in the other facets of our lives, maybe it is our less developed brains that kick into hyperdrive, and we speak before reasoning it out.  I am sure most of us know we’ve been guilty of acting or speaking before thinking.  Assuming good intent from others and studying the context of their world – perhaps busyness or stress –  would allow us to provide a broader and more compassionate lens on the situation.

If you receive a text from me about some random oriole, please know I’m likely busy with my kids, work, and social life.  Birds are lovely creatures, but humans are even lovelier yet.

Changepoints:

Go through your phone and observe text exchanges where typos exist, and find when grace and understanding is provided among the participants:

·      What makes it easier in texting versus other forms of interactions to provide a more insightful perspective?

·      How can we better manifest a “text-forgiving” exchange with others?

·      In what circumstances do you tend to jump to conclusions or, conversely, provide more compassion?

·      How can you help slow yourself down in your own communication with others or when trying to interpret the communication of someone else?

o   Are there patterns you can identify to try to address this?

o   What outcomes could potentially result?

 

I probably should take some time to study why my phone autocorrects peculiar words, but until them:  I wish all my favorite oriels goodness and happy exchanges with one another.

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.

Track

My kids enjoy sports, but I’ve never heard them jump for joy about running.  They don’t revel in P.E. assessment days where the timed mile is required.  So, it was a big surprise when my daughter announced she had registered for track.  I’m totally supportive of my kids partaking in extracurricular activities, so I didn’t want to dim her enthusiasm for trying this newfound sport.  Instead, I waited for her to report back to me after her first practice.  Upon asking her how it went, she responded, “Track is the worst.  You run sooo much!”  Newsflash, child: Track is ALL about running.

I asked her if she was going to continue with the season, and she promptly let me know that track – despite the miserable running – was entirely worth it, because she it allows her to be with her friends.  She also let me know that she doesn’t quit something she has signed up to do.  (However, she also mentioned that I could refrain from inviting any family members to watch her compete in meets.)

She still doesn’t love the sport of track.  I admire her tenacity though.  I also appreciate that she looks for the positives to offset any negatives.  When she complains of aches and sore muscles, she still says it is worth it to surround herself with best friends.  Way to keep an eye on the prize!

Sometimes we, too, find ourselves in situations where we are tackling something that might not rise to the top of our favorites list.  This is especially challenging when we haven’t chosen the path in front of us.  My daughter voluntarily signed up for track, but often we are faced with situations that are thrown our way.  Yet, the mindset of positivity and grit that my daughter modeled can be one we employ as well.  Rarely is there a case where a rainbow can’t be found.

You’ll still find my child loathing the track field, but at any given meet you’ll also see her laughing, giggling, and having fun with her friends between races.  To me, regardless of her finish time she’s winning at the game of life.

Changepoints:

While my daughter is highly competitive in many realms, in track she has taken this pressure off herself.  In your life, picture a time where there was a silver-lining to a hard experience:

·      What did you gain through the process of allowing yourself to still experience what could have initially been considered negative?

·      How did the tenacity to push through a challenge benefit you personally or professionally?

·      What rewards were manifested by changing your mindset about the situation?  Who or what provided this motivation?

·      Who in your inner circle models the type of perspective that inspires you to pivot when it would be easy to be drawn into negativity?

o   How does this attitude impact the lives of those around them?  Conversely, how does a downtrodden perspective affect group morale?

o   Describe “you are the company you keep” to yourself personally.

 

Thankfully, my kids have wonderful friends who enlighten their worlds.  They surround themselves with people who encourage their commitment, growth, and positivity.  Even if it now means my daughter is participating in a sport she dreads.  She’s still running!

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.

Party PREP

Lots of phrases and metaphors are used to describe the unpleasantries of life, especially those surrounding undesirable tasks.  While I love my job, there are aspects that don’t fill my bucket as much as other facets.  As such, I tend to avoid them until they become necessary, critical, or even eleventh hour.  Some might call this procrastination, avoidance, or laziness.  Others would argue that it is human nature to dodge the tasks in life we don’t enjoy.  Shelves of books have been written on the topic in the attempt to help people find motivation in these areas.

A coworker and I were using some of the common metaphors to describe an accounting task I didn’t want to engage in, and we decided that the use of negative phrases probably doesn’t help our mindset.  We understand why some people might find value in these funny quotes, but we were starting to feel that it wasn’t helping us to frame positive energy around tasks we already don’t want to do.  So, we began brainstorming, and together we came up with a mantra: PREP for the Party! 

She and I both enjoy social engagements, and we know that preparations are necessary to ensure a successful party.  People often don’t jump up and down with joy at the thought of the prior arrangements that are required to be a good host, but they complete these steps to enjoy the outcome of the party.  We decided that once a dreaded task is done, especially when it helps in the pursuit of other goals, the feeling is often like hosting a well-received social event.  The preparation is worth it for the results.  Hence, we decided to embrace the mantra: PREP for the Party!

In this case, PREP is an acronym that helps us lay the groundwork as we decide to embark on challenges.  The ‘P’ represents Priorities (Prioritize Goals).  The ‘R’ stands for Resources (Recognize Needs), and ‘E’ is for Environment (Evaluate Surroundings).  Lastly, ‘P’ symbolizes Pavement (Pivot, Move).  The simple PREP acronym helps us lay the groundwork so we can be more efficient during the times that are necessary but perhaps not desirable.

P: Priorities (Prioritize Goals)

R: Resources (Recognize Needs)

E: Environment (Evaluate Surroundings)

P: Pavement (Pivot, Move)

Party PREP!

Changepoints:

Ponder the areas in your life or specific tasks that you tend to avoid:

·      Why do you procrastinate or stall-out in these areas?

·      How can the process of using a positive mantra to reframe these tasks help your approach?

·      In what ways could you implement the “PREP” concepts into your habits?

·      How can you hold yourself accountable to completing undesirable tasks in a timely and effective manner to help ensure the greatest potential for success?

o   What other parts of your life will be impacted by making these changes?

o   What systems can you implement to help yourself track your goals? 

Anytime you avoid a necessary function, consider why you are doing so and if a “party” might result if you get it done.

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.

Fifth Street

Upon arriving at the restaurant selected by a friend and me, I received a text from the person asking if we were at the same location.  That’s when it dawned on us that this restaurant has a facility on the 300 block of Fifth Street in Des Moines, Iowa, and another on the 300 block of Fifth Street in West Des Moines, Iowa.  “Nope,” I replied.  In fact, I was at the West Des Moines diner, and he was at the Des Moines establishment.  He graciously agreed to come my direction, so I had a few moments to process what had happened to create this communication breakdown.  What are the odds that a local restaurant would hold such similarities between two of its locations?

I went back to our initial communication and the texts between us said, “Let’s meet at [the named restaurant] on Fifth Street.”  We both assumed the other knew which city we intended to land in.  I’m a resident of West Des Moines, and he is a resident of Des Moines, so it makes sense why confusion had crept in.  Our lived-experience and perspective shaped our individual analysis.  They are neighboring communities in the same county with a very short commute from any given point between the two cities, so they are often discussed as though they are one in the same.  This works for efficiency purposes, until it doesn’t.  Neither of us provided clarifying information or asked distinguishing follow-up questions.  As a result, we ended up at two different locations bearing the same name with eerily similar addresses.

We both were correct with our interpretations of the texts between us, and yet we didn’t start where we hoped: at the same location to dine together.  Thankfully, it was a small blunder in the scheme of things.  It was a weekend and neither of us were pressed for time, so we adapted and conveyed at the same restaurant.  However, consider if the small blunder was a mistyped decimal point that changed the value of something or a misread message where context wasn’t understood and feelings were hurt?  A molehill can become a mountain when there is a lack of shared understanding.  Alignment and execution can easily misfire by the minute. 

Changepoints:

Think of an example where the best of intentions still led you down the wrong path:

·      How did the situation feel while you were experiencing it and then later when you identified the misstep?

·      How can the process of avoiding assumptions help create more accurate and useful communication both in personal and professional capacities?

·      In what ways would people evaluate the way you present information to others?  Would it benefit from adding more details, emotion, or brevity? 

·      Who are the people in your life who are easy to interact with and why?  What ways do you work together to avoid misunderstandings?

o   What flows from having these types of relationships?

o   How can this be replicated in the ways you engage with others?

 

The next time you turn on your GPS, consider if you are going to the restaurant in the right city.  It makes a big difference during your navigation.

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.

Spring Break

Spring Break was approaching, and I heard a teenager talk about how fellow classmates will make comparisons about their spring break adventures upon returning to school.  As a truancy mediator, I hear a lot about what children experience behind closed doors.  Many of these kids struggle with issues surrounding food, transportation, and housing.  Going on an international trip is the last thing on their radar.  Until they return to school, and they get asked where they went during their break.  Ouch.

We might think this is common high school behavior that adults grow out of.  But do we?  When we stare at social media, watch reality tv, or yearn for the designer outfit our neighbor is wearing, aren’t we essentially doing the same thing?  And when we flippantly discuss our recently awarded bonus, weekend getaway to Florida, or the new car we purchased, haven’t we set up an environment similar to the teenager who is asked where they went for spring break?  It potentially creates a platform of discomfort or comparison for those who weren’t part of the experience.

This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t celebrate our victories or join in the celebrations of others.  It is important, however, to be mindful when we discuss the highlights of our lives. The sole spotlight on these moments can be hurtful to others, and disingenuous to ourselves, if we don’t balance it with reminders of the valleys or even the everyday we experience.

Showcasing our Valentine's Day flowers is fine, until we remember that some people don’t wish for a single life.  Hallmarking our kids’ finest hour is great, until we remember that some people can’t have children and other people have children with profound issues.  Praising the achievement of an advanced degree is wonderful, until we consider that education is out of reach for many.  We can temper these conversations by thinking about the audience to which we are sharing, along with peppering our words with the less glamourous and very real tales about life.  Holistic relationships are filled with gray and all the other colors.

Changepoints:

When have you felt excluded from an experience, whether material or otherwise:

·      How did it feel to have to address conversations surrounding this experience?  How could you strive to ensure this doesn’t happen to others when you talk about your highlights?

·      When might you inadvertently use words that isolate others because their lived experience is different from your own?  How can you develop your empathy in these areas?

·      Who do you know who overtly appears to brag about their accomplishments or possessions?  What other underlying themes might be going on to explain the need for this behavior?

·      How can you balance when you share about the upsides of life while ensuring that the everyday or downsides are also constructively conveyed?

o   How might this equilibrium and vulnerability help others around you?

o   How can this help your own perspective as you absorb information given in the world? 

Go ahead and revel in the positives that life affords you while also considering when, how, and why you share this with others.  Cherishing it for yourself in the quietness of your own soul might be all the reward you need.

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.