Safe Place

Have you ever noticed that pets tend to have places they prefer to go to when they are scared?  When there is thunder, many dogs will find a refuge to protect themselves.  Some small pets like to burrow in their bedding, while cats often routinely find the same spot to rest themselves.  It is within our protective instincts to find safety when a threat presents itself.

My dog, Shiloh, is my girl and I am her person.  We clicked the moment we became a pair, and she knows I will protect her.  As such, she rarely leaves my side…it’s almost comical.  I think she knows I love her unconditionally (crazy, I know, for those who aren’t dog people!)  And strangely enough I know she loves me the same.  When you study the behaviors of dogs, they will give signals about whether or not they trust someone: their tails, facial expressions, their type of barking, and even their fur.  Dogs strongly understand who and what they consider to be their safe place and they make no apologies for their feelings.

Shouldn’t humans be afforded the same right?  We all need safe places, but we often dismiss our internal instincts that tell ourselves if someone or something is safe or not.  Some people are overly trusting and don’t have discernment to maintain healthy boundaries.  Other people – like myself – tend to avoid attachments for fear of getting hurt and then struggle to confide in many people.  As counterintuitive as it may sound, I believe people need to become more primitive and instinctive with their protective measures.  Enlarge the space if you need to trust more, and tighten the space if you need closer boundaries.  Don’t be afraid to listen to your internal compass that is trying to teach you about your authentic safety checks.  Develop safety systems that are not what the world dictates, but rather where you should peacefully reside as your own person.

Next time you are on a stroll, look at the natural environment around you and take note of how pets and even wild animals interact with their surroundings.  There are many messages we can learn from the four-legged creatures that are part of our world.  They inherently seem to know when to trust and when to protect; when to relax and when to be guarded; when to be energized and when to chill.  Let's apply their safety rules to our own rule-making.

Changepoints:

Evaluate your safety points by considering the following:

·        How do I react when I feel backed into a corner?  Do I retreat or react?  Are my responses balanced or extreme?

·        Do I have methods to deal with stressful, traumatic or trying experiences?  Is this found in a person, a coping strategy, or a physical outlet?

·        Are there people whom I should include within my circle of safety or people whom I should edit out?

·        Do I believe in myself enough to care about my needs over what I believe the perceptions of others may be?

·        If I am afraid to trust or afraid to edit back, what tactics will I use to start encouraging myself to create healthy safety structures?

o   What hurdles exist for listening to my instincts?

o   What actions can I take to start authentically finding safety?

Find refuge. 

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.

Raw

There is a new trend to push for products to be unaltered and raw.  We want our food to be unprocessed with no additives.  We want our clothing to be void of synthetic dyes.  We want our water bottles to be free of BPA and our cosmetics to have no harsh chemicals.  We are beginning to see the value of that which was intended to be raw.  If you doubt this, look at the boom in organic products, farmer's markets, and craft fairs.  Do we hold the same opinion about emotions, perspectives and values, however?  Do we want to express these in a raw fashion, and do we appreciate when people provide these to us in that manner?  If we are advocating for a whole, raw, and organic universe, should it perhaps begin from the inside out?

As a recovering perfectionist, getting me to expose my raw core was very rare.  Painting a picture of “having it all together all the time for everyone I encountered” was my mantra.  I still struggle with this, because it is my protective instinct to lead people to believe that I have my life in order.  Recently, however, I was presented with the daunting challenge of deciding to unveil some rawness to my family.  However, this kind of raw was like ripping off a stale bandaid on an infected wound.  I was scared to pull off the bandage for fear of what was hiding underneath and what my family would think of my raw wound.

To my amazement, my family didn’t shake salt on the open sore.  Instead, they provided me with healing ointment of acceptance, forgiveness, compassion and love.  Once they saw the wound, they understood me better and loved me all the same.  Perhaps they loved me even more.  A wound can’t heal if it festers unattended under an infected bandage.  True wounds that are raw need cleansing, fresh air, and a tender touch.  I am grateful for the people in my world who have decided that who I am in my rawest state is worth the investment.

There is a cost with the investment in raw.  You can’t buy organic fruit for the same cost as traditional fruit.  But, if you value getting your produce in its raw state, you are willing to make the investment.  The same can be said for human emotion.  Just like the getting a strawberry to be grown in organic conditions may initially take more upfront work, the resulting harvest can be magnificent.  People invest in that labor of love.  When we decide to be raw with who we are in the context of our emotions, perspectives, and values, there is a lot of effort that comes with this.  But, the harvest can be plentiful and rewarding.  People invest in that labor of love.  Raw is real and real is where it is at.

Changepoints:

We may be protecting ourselves from being raw if:

·         We are afraid of being judged by our authentic feelings and perspectives.

·         We avoid topics that we believe may make us vulnerable to others.

·         We use other emotions – such as humor, avoidance, or anger – to deflect from how we truly feel.

·         We doubt that the people in our lives will accept us right where we are, so we shy away from transparency.

If you are seeking to become raw:

o   Find an individual who you can discuss your desire to be authentic, and then gauge their reaction.  If they appear amenable, start with a small area to evaluate their ability to meet you on the journey.

o   Journal your experiences that cause you to feel vulnerable.  Explore how you feel about those experiences and why you might have associated emotions with those experiences.

o   Ask someone who you love to share with you.  Being on the receiving end of allowing someone to be raw can create deeper and greater compassion for the process.

Plant yourself in the raw movement – the harvest that results is worthwhile.

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results

Themes

When they tell us not to judge a book by its cover, they are essentially asking us to look inside and figure out the storyline.  What is the theme?  We all carry themes with us that shape the way we look at the universe.  Some themes are positive and others aren’t so positive.  I recently went back to school and have begun studying perceptions and how they shape decision-making.  I have wrestled and grappled with this concept for a long time, but wasn’t able to put a finger on exactly what my life-theme was that was causing me pain.  I know my strengths and my weaknesses, but getting to the heart of your “life-themes” is much more difficult because it requires real reflection and processing.

In a dark moment this summer, my negative theme came to me: Not enough.  You don’t believe you are enough.  You don’t believe you are enough to be heard, to be seen, and to be loved.  I think why I had avoided the recognition of this theme is because I finally realized I identified it with my dad.  I have spent most of my life (20+ years) protecting my dad’s legacy.  In the darkness of that moment this summer, I realized that if my dad took his life I must surely not have been enough for him to stay.  I know this isn’t logical thinking if you knew my dad, but my 14-year-old self believed this at some level and the theme was carrying with me today.  So, my adult self tried to talk to my adolescent self and tell her she was okay.  And, fortunately that dark moment passed. 

Thankfully, I don’t live in many of those deep, dark moments…but I do carry that “not enough” theme with me in my day-to-day life.  I ran a race this weekend that I knew in my gut I shouldn’t have ran.  And, now I’m significantly injured.  I push myself all the time, and often to the betterment of the world around me.  I try to work hard and crusade for social causes.  I try to be a loyal friend and serve those in need.  These are all great things, but what happens when the internal compass is silenced because I am trying to measure myself on the external?  I will never be enough if that is my measuring stick.  And the cycle of creating and recreating that life theme only continues.

My best friend recently asked me if I was “Living loved or living to be loved?”  Profound.  She is encouraging me to shape the ending of my book by changing the theme.  I can’t rewrite past chapters, but I can look at them differently.  I can grow from those chapters and decide my own truth, my own theme. 

Changepoints:

Assess your life-themes by reflecting on the following questions:

·        What do my behaviors tell me about my thoughts?

·        When do I feel most authentic (positive life-themes) and when do I feel internal tension (disconnected life-themes, which can be positive or negative) and when do I feel angst (negative life-themes)?
·        Do the people I surround myself with confirm my positive or negative life-themes?
·        Are my thoughts driven by my own internal compass or the expectations of others?
·        Am I willing to embrace my positive life-themes and reframe any negative life-themes I may have?
·        Who is going to tell my story and write my ending?

o   What steps can I take to hold myself accountable to both identifying my life-themes and putting those I wish to embrace into action?

o   What parts of my life will be wonderfully lived if I genuinely accept the life-themes I chose to hold?

Enough.  The new ending for my book I am trying to write.

 

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.

Flawed

Someone very influential in my life recently described themselves as being flawed.  I have never considered this person to be flawed, because I feel they are so incredible.  The concept of being flawed has resonated with me since I heard the person use it to describe a personality attribute.  When I looked up the word, I discovered that it means, “a feature that mars the perfection of something.”  After reading this definition, I decided that I would absolutely prefer to spend my time around flawed individuals than perfect ones.  Have you ever listened to a captivating musician or viewed the works of a wonderful artist and realized that their talent resides in embracing the imperfections?  I like a little bit of mess in my world.  It’s more interesting.  It’s more palatable.  It’s more inspiring.

Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I am peppered with imperfections.  I’m often impatient.  My responses often outweigh the circumstances at hand.  I can have an assertive tongue.  My expectations of others can be out of line.  I often move in hyper-speed.  Flawed, I am.  I have spent years inwardly apologizing away my personality as being less than acceptable, because it isn’t the picture of perfection.  Recently, I have been challenged (by the same person who said they were flawed) to consider a lens of love when looking at the world.  The flaws in the universe make it pretty remarkable.  Many “mistakes” have led to amazing discoveries.  Did you know that the creation of the chocolate chip cookie came as the result of a flaw?  Ruth Wakefield – owner of the Toll House Inn – had to adapt a recipe and broke up pieces of sweetened chocolate to replace baker’s chocolate.  She thought the chocolate “chips” would melt together, but instead the future of the chocolate chip cookie was created.  I, for one, would love to hug Ruth for embracing a perceived flaw and creating one of my favorite desserts.

Creativity is where flaws are often beautified.  Modigliani is one of my favorite artists (check out his works if you haven’t done so before).  I love his works of women, because he had a fascinating ability to distort the images into something wonderful.  A perfect portrait wasn’t his aim.  He sought to show the world a different way of looking at the human body.  And, in the fashion industry, you might notice that articles of clothing now have tags on them that let people know that they may find intentional flaws in the fabric.  It’s purposeful, because who wants to always be surrounded with perfection?

I am so grateful that I was introduced to the concept of flaws recently.  More importantly, I am happy that I was challenged to embrace self-flaws and other-flaws with a spirit of love and humility.  After all, we are all works of art that are still being masterfully and interestingly created.  And, I shall happily ponder this concept while eating a chocolate chip cookie.

Changepoints:

Encourage yourself to embrace your “flaws” by asking:

·        Am I too harsh on myself or others?  What areas that I perceive to be flawed could actually lead to something special?

·        Do I surround myself with people who encourage self-discovery, even if it means I might fall or make mistakes?

·        Are there areas in my life or activities I don’t explore because I am afraid of not being perfect or needing to instantly be the best?

·       What messages do I send myself about striving for perfection?  Are they rooted in a necessary reality or am I being overly critical?

·        Are there activities or interests I might consider if I weren’t concerned about failing or the critical opinions of others?

o   What is preventing me from swinging for the fences?

o   What actions can I take to assess my threshold for flawed living?

Be courageously, wonderfully and beautifully flawed!

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.

Guarding

Recently I went to a massage therapist who told me my muscles were so guarded that the individual muscles felt like they were lumped together like one large muscle.  She told me she was unable to work between the individual muscles, because my muscle guarding was so severe.  I have always known I am a person who struggles to relax, but I didn’t realize it was an issue at a subconscious level within my body.  With the feedback from the massage therapist in mind, I decided to research muscle guarding.  And, sure enough, it isn’t a made-up concept!

Muscle guarding is the nervous system’s attempt at protecting the body from a perceived threat.  Often, it occurs as a response to bodily injury…but for other people, the root source of stress doesn’t appear as obvious.  But whether the bodily stress is real or perceived, the muscles respond by attempting to guard the body from harm.  In short doses, muscle guarding can be a beneficial, protective measure for the body.  Chronic, sustained muscle guarding, however, is actually counterproductive as it creates more issues than it actually remedies.

What if we applied the concepts of muscle guarding to the way we live our lives?  In appropriate doses, guarding can be a fine response to hurtful or injury-prone situations.  However, a constant state of tension can be damaging.  In fact, when the body guards a certain area for prolonged periods, it often starts fatiguing and damaging other areas of the body that aren’t in any danger of threat.  In my personal life, if I decide to be selective and acute with my use of guarding, this can serve me well.  But, if I allow my guarding to be long-lived and not discerning, I put myself in serious risk for strain, weariness, and unease.

Research reveals that two components need to exist to help people with muscle guarding: 1. Identify if there is a root cause and 2. Create a safe atmosphere that encourages authentic relaxation.  And, most experts agree that it is a gradual process of retraining the body to relax and trust again.  Surely the same principles can be applied in our personal lives.  If we feel we are chronically guarded, perhaps we could benefit from reflecting on potential causes of the guarding and from finding environments and relationships that foster true release.  Then, give ourselves grace to allow the journey to be a steady progression toward relaxed acceptance.

Changepoints:

We may be knowingly or unknowingly suffering from “life guarding” if:

·        We struggle to be transparent with people in our lives, even people who are supposed to be close to us.

·        We are afraid to let down our walls due to past hurts.

·        We deflect when people ask us questions about ourselves in an attempt to distract people away from getting to know us on a deeper level.

·        Our initial reaction is to assume a position of defense if something happens to us, instead of naturally providing the benefit of the doubt.

If you are seeking to reduce guarding in your life, consider:

o   Slowly sharing pieces of your life that don’t feel personally threatening with people you can be real with, until you are able to naturally share more freely.

o   Evaluating what past sources have caused you stress or distrust and determine if there are measures you can take to release these from your life.

o   Finding people who appreciate you for who you are and who will genuinely be overjoyed to get to know you at your core.

Relax.  Self-accept.  Seek transparency.

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results

Iron Sharpens Iron

I don’t know much about the processes of making or sharpening knives, so I was fascinated to learn how using metal can sharpen a knife.  If you have ever been to a fancy restaurant or watched a cooking channel, you have likely seen a chef slide a knife against a honing rod.  This isn’t just some show-boating technique.  It literally is a preparation step that makes the knife ready for service.  In my research, I found the following concepts to describe why this step is done:

          The knife becomes far more effective and functional.

          It removes unwanted irregularities and imperfections.

          It not only sharpens the knife, it makes the knife shine.

          The knife becomes refined by revealing its natural edge.

Deliberately and methodically rubbing two metals against each other can result in an effective tool!  Have you ever tried to cut a tomato with a dull knife?!  No bueno!  Often a dull knife is more dangerous than a sharp knife.  Therefore, the phrase “Iron sharpens iron” talks about the intentional removal of roughness, excess, and blemishes to reveal a shiny, exacting, true edge of the blade.  We should all want to be described as sharp, instead of blunt.  To become sharp, however, requires a polishing process.  Sometimes polishing can be intense.  Yet, when focused on the eventual outcome, the buffing process is worthwhile for the brilliant tool that is revealed at the end.

Each one of us is a blade in the making.  Therefore, let’s surround ourselves with the necessary iron to sharpen iron.  Often this means being challenged to become more than we could be on our own.  I have a best friend who encourages me to be better than I could without her support, and often this means being told things I don’t want to hear or being exposed to things I wouldn’t otherwise see.  We call ourselves the “Iron Sharpens Iron” besties, because we know that we are polishing, grinding, and buffing each other into a better place.

It is easy to surround ourselves with only people, events, or activities that help us just go with the flow.  But, what about surrounding ourselves with components that stretch us to widen our lens on the world?  I don’t find the honing process easy, but I do know that I want to have iron in my life that helps reveal my authentic edge.

Changepoints:

As you assess if you have any iron sharpening tools in your world, consider the following:

·       Do I have anyone in my life who talks to me straight?  If so, do I thank them for this contribution to my life?

·       Have I ever attended an event, class, or cause that makes me uncomfortable?  If so, what did I take away from that experience?

·       Do I have people in my life who I could consider my “safe place” where I can share in confidence?

·       Do topics that are steeped in opposing viewpoints make me uncomfortable (e.g. religion, politics…)?

·       Do I give myself permission to express how I honestly feel and do I welcome honest feedback from others?

To my fellow knives and honing rods: Sharpen away; sharpen away!

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results

Of Course

This was the first thing I said when my husband asked me to marry him years ago.  It was such a natural response to a question I had absolute certainty about.  I could have said “Sure”, but instead I shouted, “Of course!!!”

At the end of this past year, I started strategizing about my goals for 2016.  As I pondered questions about what I wanted for this year, I felt like my theme for 2016 should be “Of Course!”  In other words, if I committed or declined decisions throughout the year, I felt like it needed to be rooted in an “of course” response.  When I did a little digging about this phrase, I learned that it was initially used to describe a natural course, like a river.

When a river follows its natural course, it moves freely the way it was designed to move.  When a river is rerouted or dammed, it takes a great deal of man-made effort to keep that artificial system in place.  When we put artificial actions in place, we essentially negate nature.  When we allow something to follow its natural design or intended path, it creates a future that is meant to be.  “OF COURSE!” 

My goal for 2016 has been to create a more natural environment for myself through the process of saying “Yes” or “No” with my best “of course” responses in mind.  For me, this has resulted in editing my life in a way that more accurately reflects the season that I am in and where I want to be headed.  It is difficult for me to turn things down, because I have a tendency to people-please.  However, I am gaining much needed transparency and authenticity by honoring my “of course!”  Your “of course” is going to look different than mine, but that is the beauty of nature…no two rivers were ever designed to look the same.  Now that we are well into 2016, I would encourage you to assess your journey and what will help you best steer the course you are on.

Changepoints:

Encourage yourself to find your “of course” by asking:

·        Do my days feel fulfilling based on what I think is meaningful or what I believe others wish me to do?

·        Do I find myself regretting the times I say “yes” because of a knee-jerk response to please others?

·        If someone could wave a magic-wand, what activities would I include or remove in my current life?

·        What thoughts or activities bring a smile to my face and bring my world energy?

·        Is there negative noise (people or activities) in my life that I need to pare back?

o   What obstacles are preventing you from honoring your inner voice?

o   What measures can you take to assess your level of authentic living?

Go pursue your OF COURSE!

outSIGHTin, LLC: Creating awareness as a changepoint for improved organizational results.